Leaked – Pakistan’s Tactics for the Second Test
Herein lie our tactics* for the second Test against South Africa. This information is incredibly top secret. Please don’t let this get into any wrong hands. Particularly not that pesky Cows Corner blogger.
Graeme Smith: You hardly need tactics against Smith when you have a left-armer. Bowl Junaid at him until Smith departs. He shouldn’t last longer than 15 balls against Junaid. As he walks off, get Junaid to rasp at him with a thick Irish accent, “Smitheh baby, have a guiness for meh. Maybe it’ll cancel out your tipsy balance.”
Alviro Petersen: This is a guy that likes to keep a low profile. He’s done very well over the past while, averaging well into the 40s. You’d never guess, though, due to his ability to slip under the radar. Therefore, our best tactic would be to push him into the media limelight. Start with little hints such as “Robin Peterson? He’s not even the best Peterson in the team!” Then progress to “Petersen is a key member of their batting line-up. If we get him early, it gives us a huge advantage.” Finally, end with “Smith is to Petersen as the side-kick usually is to the main villain – Usually looks hilariously idiotic, and not nearly as effective.” That’ll get Smith’s blood boiling too.
Hashim Amla: At this point it’d be best to confirm that there will be a new addition to the squad. Saeed Anwar will be joining the team, and upon Amla’s arrival to the crease, will be placed at short-leg. His job will be to whisper to Amla “Cute stubble, bud,” and “Welcome to the big league.”
Jacques Kallis: We will be paying a hair-growth company to advertise on the big scoreboard. “You think Jacques’ hair growth was amazing? Please. We’ll grow you more hair on your head than Anwar has on his chin!” If that doesn’t get Jakes retiring his innings and running back into the changeroom to fetch his cellphone, we’re screwed.
AB de Villiers: Organise him and his band a few big gigs. After the tasks of keeping, batting, and the built-upon pressure of his ODI captaincy woes of the past, this will be one task too many. Expect more emotional fireworks than you’d find literal ones at an IPL final.
Faf du Plessis: When he walks out to bat, scream “97.20? You’re no Bradman!” Then all fielders should violently beat their chests and shout “Me see ball. Me hit ball with stick.”
Dean Elgar: We don’t really know much about him. We don’t really care, either. Just get Irfan to bowl at his head.
Robin Peterson: Formerly famed as arguably the worst spinner in international cricket, he has since had a spurt of form which has resulted in him thinking he is a test-standard bowler. Smash him for a few sixes and it’ll be back to the good ol’ days. Or else you’ll feel good about yourself, anyway.
Vernon Philander: Plant both feet on your off-stump and sit the bat straight up, directly in line with off. Philander either seams it onto fourth stump or lets it go straight on to off. With the above tactic you’ll have both deliveries covered. Simple, right?
Dale Steyn: Have a wild swing at his first few, and connect one or two of the swings for six. That’ll get him angry and bowling bouncers. Then just get your duck on.Put your bat on your toes and get ready for the short stuff. Any surprise yorkers will be covered by your toe-sitting bat.
Morne Morkel: Partner Anwar with the 7″1 Mohammed Irfan up front with the bat. Rumour has it that Irfan is a decent bat, but struggles against most bowlers because he can’t bend down enough to reach their deliveries. Morkel will provide him with a barrage of half-volleys. Plan B: Duck.
*The above blog post is fictitious. None of the above has actually been leaked. It would be great to see some of it happen, though, don’t ya think?