The ECB Conspiracy

Strauss’ announcement earlier today pertaining to his resignation from all forms of cricket is the second step in the ECB’s masterplan to

“It wasn’t because of the KP saga. It was because I didn’t want a Strauss saga!” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

mould a dominant English side for the future. The first was the totally fabricated KP text message saga.

Your initial assumption in regards to the above statement will probably have been something along the lines of “he’s a believer in getting rid of the older players and giving gametime to the youth.” And you’d be wrong. What do Strauss and KP have in common? Not much, obviously, but there is one thing: their heritage. The ECB are sick of getting stick for essentially being SA A and are looking to pick off players of non-English heritage one by one.

KP had to be the first to go considering that he is the most South African – he moved to SA way after the likes of Strauss and Prior. He was the easy one – who would believe him against accusations accusing him of being a negative influence within the camp? The one shortcoming of the ECB with regards to the way they orchestrated KP’s dismissal was that they used fabrication at all. Surely there is enough incriminating information about Skunky lying around to get rid of him without having to use lies, trickery and a brand new Samsung mobile?

Straussy was next. He was in on the KP expulsion but was not informed that it was due to nationality. Instead he was told that KP was embarrassing the rest of the team by batting at a SR faster than the top 3 combined and therefore needed to be exterminated. ASAP. Andy-squared did the dirty work and with the click of a finger KP was banished from the set-up. At this point Strauss thought the problem was solved, but in reality his biggest issue had yet to surface. Big bad Kevvy P was out for revenge, and the ECB were going to utilize this. The plan was set in motion when KP was leaked a video that would serve a blackmail-ridden purpose. The video contained Strauss walking up to Proteas captain after SA thumped England in the first Test and… wait for it… shaking his hand. It was a certain sign that Strauss had either fixed the match, agreed with Graeme Smith’s calling KP an “egotistical prick” or bought a kg of biltong from the SA skipper – whichever most took KP’s fancy. The blackmail was too much for the England captain and he immediately announced his retirement.

Next in line is surely Matty P. Why else would he have been excluded from the ODI squad in favour of Kieswetter? The fact that Craig got the gig for the ODIs shows us which keeper is first priority to the ECB’s ethnical cleansers. Added to that is the Test captaincy being given to Allistair Cook instead of to Prior – a clear sign of where Matt’s future lies. If England were planning on keeping Prior, there is no way Cook would have been given the captaincy; even Sunil Gavaskar will start yawning when he has to watch Allistair Cook’s captaincy. Nine fielders will be on the boundary and the bowler will be instructed to bowl 6 yorkers an over.

Matty, remember this when you find your career spiralling out of your control: you can always come back to South Africa once you lose your England spot. We’ll not pass up the opportunity to laugh at your accent and feed you cucumber-and-biltong sandwiches.

Disclaimer: This is a parody article. None of the information above is true… as far as we know.