The ECB Conspiracy

Strauss’ announcement earlier today pertaining to his resignation from all forms of cricket is the second step in the ECB’s masterplan to

“It wasn’t because of the KP saga. It was because I didn’t want a Strauss saga!” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

mould a dominant English side for the future. The first was the totally fabricated KP text message saga.

Your initial assumption in regards to the above statement will probably have been something along the lines of “he’s a believer in getting rid of the older players and giving gametime to the youth.” And you’d be wrong. What do Strauss and KP have in common? Not much, obviously, but there is one thing: their heritage. The ECB are sick of getting stick for essentially being SA A and are looking to pick off players of non-English heritage one by one.

KP had to be the first to go considering that he is the most South African – he moved to SA way after the likes of Strauss and Prior. He was the easy one – who would believe him against accusations accusing him of being a negative influence within the camp? The one shortcoming of the ECB with regards to the way they orchestrated KP’s dismissal was that they used fabrication at all. Surely there is enough incriminating information about Skunky lying around to get rid of him without having to use lies, trickery and a brand new Samsung mobile?

Straussy was next. He was in on the KP expulsion but was not informed that it was due to nationality. Instead he was told that KP was embarrassing the rest of the team by batting at a SR faster than the top 3 combined and therefore needed to be exterminated. ASAP. Andy-squared did the dirty work and with the click of a finger KP was banished from the set-up. At this point Strauss thought the problem was solved, but in reality his biggest issue had yet to surface. Big bad Kevvy P was out for revenge, and the ECB were going to utilize this. The plan was set in motion when KP was leaked a video that would serve a blackmail-ridden purpose. The video contained Strauss walking up to Proteas captain after SA thumped England in the first Test and… wait for it… shaking his hand. It was a certain sign that Strauss had either fixed the match, agreed with Graeme Smith’s calling KP an “egotistical prick” or bought a kg of biltong from the SA skipper – whichever most took KP’s fancy. The blackmail was too much for the England captain and he immediately announced his retirement.

Next in line is surely Matty P. Why else would he have been excluded from the ODI squad in favour of Kieswetter? The fact that Craig got the gig for the ODIs shows us which keeper is first priority to the ECB’s ethnical cleansers. Added to that is the Test captaincy being given to Allistair Cook instead of to Prior – a clear sign of where Matt’s future lies. If England were planning on keeping Prior, there is no way Cook would have been given the captaincy; even Sunil Gavaskar will start yawning when he has to watch Allistair Cook’s captaincy. Nine fielders will be on the boundary and the bowler will be instructed to bowl 6 yorkers an over.

Matty, remember this when you find your career spiralling out of your control: you can always come back to South Africa once you lose your England spot. We’ll not pass up the opportunity to laugh at your accent and feed you cucumber-and-biltong sandwiches.

Disclaimer: This is a parody article. None of the information above is true… as far as we know.

If the USA Liked Cricket

“And this is our secret sign – I don’t really know what it means though…”(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Picture it. We all know the story – India attempt to destroy world cricket by heaping the focus of millions of cricket fans onto T20 cricket via the IPL. Imagine this twist though: In keeping true to their motto “Anything you can do, we can do better (and we’ll try our level best to annoy the hell out of you along the way),” the USA decide to form their own rebel T20 league. Trump’s Trouncers start the auction with the $5million capture of Nepalese teen keeper Subash Khakurel. Bieber’s Bashers and Pitt’s Posse fight over Kenyan tweaker Keith Dabengwa; the teen heartthrob eventually gets his man for $7million.
And so the bidding continues – Bieber claims Gayle for $40million euros and a 14yo Jamaican beauty, Lady Gaga snaps up bad boy Kevin Pietersen for $32million (and defends his naughty antics – “He was born this way!”), Lil Wayne snaps up the world’s fastest man and right arm superduperquick bowler Usain Bolt (“You be the world’s fastest runner, but dawg I’m fly!”) and Donald Trump builds his team’s stadium 50m in the air and suspended by four new Trump Hotels.

With the bidding complete, the teams are split into their pools. The opening match promises to be a humdinger – Gaga’s Gang (sporting a variety of sausages and steaks as cricket garments) are to take on Bieber’s side. There is a moment of worry for the organisers when they realise that Justin is actually Canadian but they drift back to reality and realised that no Hollywood star has sufficient grey matter to click.

The 30 metre boundaries ensure that the game is a farce – well, more so than an already farcical standard T20 match – but the players and their bank balances laud the match as a “great new innovation” that they can “take positives out of.” Well if you can’t take out a positive bank balance when you’re payed a few million dollars per game then there is something seriously wrong – you may need help with your gambling problem. Or maybe you’re being swindled by a Nigerian Princess…

A few Test fanatics still remain and they try to create a petition to ban the USAT20LOCAAA (United States of America Twenty 20 League of Champions And Awesome Abbreviations). After knocking on 10,000 doors and receiving just 6 signatures (3 test cricket fans, a drunk Texan farmer, an 85 year old lady conned into believing she was signing for a $30,000 grant and her cat ‘Fluffy’), they give up and spend the following 2 weeks watching highlights of the bodyline series and WG Grace’s refusal to be dismissed.

It would be sad, wouldn’t it? So next time you start to criticise the IPL for being a sham… well, do it anyway. But remember – as impossible as it may seem, it could be worse.

The Fast Track to the BBL

“You see row Z? Ya mon, that’s where it’s going!”(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a repeat of the Olympics, Jamaican 100m bridesmaid Yohan Blake is following in the footsteps of the arrogant yet likable Jamaican showpony Usain Bolt. The pair are both well on their way to organising themselves contracts in the lucrative BBL competition in a move that has sparked much excitement around the event.

Bolt’s credentials have already been demonstrated in his dismissal of cricket juggernaut Chris Gayle with a delivery that can only be described as ‘dreamy’ due to the fact that Chris Gayle must have been daydreaming in order to be dismissed by it. Stuart Clark’s eloquence describes Usain Bolt as “a great showman and entertainer but he can’t play cricket.” On the other hand, Blake is an unconfirmed 90mph fast bowling machine, although rumour has it he doesn’t let go of the ball and instead powers across the pitch in order to get the ball to reach such a pace. Rumour also has it he has a rather annoying no ball problem as a result of his unorthodox bowling style.

John Inverarity has cautioned those involved in the BBL that they are running the risk of making the BBL a novelty event. Saying he’s a bit behind the times is like saying WG Grace is a recently retired hero or that Hitler’s dynasty has finally reached its point of doom. At the rate that novelty-cricket is developing, 5 years from now the resuscitated corpse of the mildly destructive Hitler could be bowling off-tweakers to the slightly antagonistic Bob Mugabe in the Kazakhstan Premier League.

In other news, that pest that is the Barclays Premier League is back and will be trying its hardest to steal the limelight from the tussle between South Africa and England. I feel less dirty using the term “England” now that they aren’t fielding the…enigmatic Saffa, Kevin Pietersen. Or does the Andy Murray argument not apply to Skunky?

KP must have a hard time watching two teams that he currently despises fight it out whilst he sits on the sideline stroking his ego like a supervillain strokes his cat.

“Come on boy, I need inspiration. What can I do to earn myself some attention?”

“Meowwww!”

“Move to Australia you say? Hmmm…..”