If the USA Liked Cricket

“And this is our secret sign – I don’t really know what it means though…”(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Picture it. We all know the story – India attempt to destroy world cricket by heaping the focus of millions of cricket fans onto T20 cricket via the IPL. Imagine this twist though: In keeping true to their motto “Anything you can do, we can do better (and we’ll try our level best to annoy the hell out of you along the way),” the USA decide to form their own rebel T20 league. Trump’s Trouncers start the auction with the $5million capture of Nepalese teen keeper Subash Khakurel. Bieber’s Bashers and Pitt’s Posse fight over Kenyan tweaker Keith Dabengwa; the teen heartthrob eventually gets his man for $7million.
And so the bidding continues – Bieber claims Gayle for $40million euros and a 14yo Jamaican beauty, Lady Gaga snaps up bad boy Kevin Pietersen for $32million (and defends his naughty antics – “He was born this way!”), Lil Wayne snaps up the world’s fastest man and right arm superduperquick bowler Usain Bolt (“You be the world’s fastest runner, but dawg I’m fly!”) and Donald Trump builds his team’s stadium 50m in the air and suspended by four new Trump Hotels.

With the bidding complete, the teams are split into their pools. The opening match promises to be a humdinger – Gaga’s Gang (sporting a variety of sausages and steaks as cricket garments) are to take on Bieber’s side. There is a moment of worry for the organisers when they realise that Justin is actually Canadian but they drift back to reality and realised that no Hollywood star has sufficient grey matter to click.

The 30 metre boundaries ensure that the game is a farce – well, more so than an already farcical standard T20 match – but the players and their bank balances laud the match as a “great new innovation” that they can “take positives out of.” Well if you can’t take out a positive bank balance when you’re payed a few million dollars per game then there is something seriously wrong – you may need help with your gambling problem. Or maybe you’re being swindled by a Nigerian Princess…

A few Test fanatics still remain and they try to create a petition to ban the USAT20LOCAAA (United States of America Twenty 20 League of Champions And Awesome Abbreviations). After knocking on 10,000 doors and receiving just 6 signatures (3 test cricket fans, a drunk Texan farmer, an 85 year old lady conned into believing she was signing for a $30,000 grant and her cat ‘Fluffy’), they give up and spend the following 2 weeks watching highlights of the bodyline series and WG Grace’s refusal to be dismissed.

It would be sad, wouldn’t it? So next time you start to criticise the IPL for being a sham… well, do it anyway. But remember – as impossible as it may seem, it could be worse.